Beyond the Script
Leadership, Coaching, and Conversations That Transform Us
I have spent much of my adult life thinking about how we show up for others—how we lead, mentor, and coach in ways that are truly meaningful. But if I’m honest, my early instincts about leadership were shaped more by what I thought I should do than by an understanding of the deeper human dynamics at play. I believed that expertise was what mattered most. Over time, I learned that relationships—real, reciprocal relationships—are at the heart of all good leadership.
Maybe I should have seen this coming.
As a child, my cousins told me I talked too much. Others said I read too much. Before iPhones, I was the kid who walked around with a book, lost in pages even as I moved through the world. I had an instinct to understand and attend to stories that I can trace directly to my elders—Juanita, Emory, Louis, and Katherine. Storytellers in their own right.
My roots are in Southern Appalachia, in a culture shaped by coal mining and histories I never knew directly. But I was born into a world that carried a near-innate understanding of wisdom in story. The stories I grew up with weren’t just tales—they were maps. They were told within the context of intensive seasonal details, the scents and aromas of food and flowers, the descriptions of callused hands at the commissary, and the heat of summer. The stories themselves made connections—between past and present, between experience and meaning.
And so, perhaps that’s why I talked. And talked. And talked. And asked for stories, too.
Because the way I learned stories, they were about something. They weren’t just entertainment—they were lessons, tied to place, landscapes, people, and purpose. And even as a child, though I may not have understood how to deploy these tools, I was trying to do what I had seen modeled: listen, speak, and make sense of things by weaving them into something larger.
It does not surprise me now, in retrospect, that I was drawn to education and coaching—to creating spaces into which different people might come to learn.
Coaching as Conversation, Not Command
In coaching, there is often an impulse to give direction—to tell people how to move forward. But coaching, like storytelling, is not about dictating an outcome. It is about inviting someone into a conversation, offering them space to make their own meaning.
The very origins of these words reveal their distinctions. A directive comes from the Latin dirigere, meaning "to set straight, to align," suggesting authority and control. A conversation, by contrast, comes from conversari, meaning "to live with, to keep company." These words shape different worlds—one of imposing structure, the other of mutual presence.
Marsha, a seasoned leader of coaches I spoke to recently, put it this way: “The most important element in coaching is the partnership. Building the relationship into a strong partnership is key to success.” She went on to say that effective coaches don’t come into a conversation as the expert; they come as a thought partner, someone who listens deeply and helps the other person hear themselves more clearly.
That struck me. I had been in situations where I wanted my knowledge to be valued—where I felt like I had to prove I had something to offer. But Marsha’s words reminded me that the most impactful coaches and leaders I have known were the ones who made space for my voice rather than simply sharing their own.
The Practice of Listening
I have always been eager to connect, to talk, to follow the thread of an idea wherever it may lead. But over time, I’ve learned that the power of a conversation is often in the space we leave, in the silences that allow others to step in.
My grandparents taught me this, though I didn’t realize it at the time. They didn’t just tell stories; they made space for others to share theirs. My grandfather, Louis Landon Milhorn, was a kind of community leader—not because he held office, but because he showed up for people. He owned a paint service store, but he spent much of his time moving around the community—visiting folks, bringing them produce from his garden, delivering turkeys at Christmas. Before he died, they named a bridge after him, and I treasure the photograph of him leaning out from it on the day it was dedicated.
He taught me something I carry into my work every day: leadership is not about titles. It is about relationships. It is about making time for connection.
Coaching as a Gathering Space
Marsha shared that she has been engaging her team in reflection by having them listen to Priya Parker’s work on gathering. Parker’s insight—“When we are not altered [by what we hear in a relationship], there’s nothing to watch. There’s nothing to learn. There’s nothing to grow from”—resonates deeply. If coaching, mentoring, and leadership are to be effective, we must be willing to be changed by the process.
This reminds me of something I learned as an undergraduate student. I had the privilege of attending a college where learning was not just about absorbing information but about making connections—to history, to people, to lived experience. I learned naturally, willingly, because the experience itself was relational. And when I left that space, I was shocked to realize how rare it was in the larger world. So much of education, training, and leadership exists in silos—separated from the real lives of those it seeks to impact.
That realization has shaped the way I lead today. Relationship is not separate from learning—it is the learning. And if we truly want to support growth, we must create spaces where people feel connected to the process.
Final Thoughts: Leading Beyond the Script
I used to think coaching was about helping others shape their stories. But I see now that it’s more than that. It’s about honoring the wisdom that already exists, about holding space for people to hear themselves in new ways.
It brings me back to the stories I grew up with—the way they were rich with detail, layered with meaning beyond the words themselves. Those stories weren’t about telling people what to think; they were about revealing something deeper, something that connected past, present, and future.
Coaching is the same. It is not about setting people on a predetermined path but about creating spaces where they can see themselves more clearly. It is about leading beyond the script—toward the conversations that transform us all.
Resources
Ghosh, R. (2018). Mentoring and Diversity: An International Perspective. Routledge.
Griffin, K. A. (2020). Rethinking mentoring: Integrating equity-minded practice in promoting access to and outcomes of developmental relationships. In Higher Education Administration for Social Justice and Equity (1st ed., Vol. 1, pp. 93–110). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780429435140-6
Neal, Kline, A., Olejarski, A. M., & Gherardi, M. (2022). I’m only human: A new e-road to advancing social equity through a humanist approach to mentoring in public service. Review of Public Personnel Administration, 734371. https://doi.org/10.1177/0734371X211058180
Parker, P. (2021, September 30). Priya Parker: Remaking Gathering: Entering the Mess, Crossing the Thresholds [Audio podcast episode]. In On Being with Krista Tippett. Civil Conversations Project. https://onbeing.org/programs/priya-parker-remaking-gathering-entering-the-mess-crossing-the-thresholds/
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Reynolds, M. (2020). Coach the Person, Not the Problem: A Guide to Using Reflective Inquiry. Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.
Ting, S. (2006). Creating a coaching culture. In S. Ting & P. Scisco (Eds.), The CCL Handbook of Coaching (pp. 404–420). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
Zachary, L. J. (2005). Creating a Mentoring Culture. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.